Dancing Smash Hero
by I.C. Weener
Summary: Damn Gullwings flying too close to the power lines again.


" _Your impotent men with their foolish spells cannot protect you from my power."_

\- Count Dracula

" _Toasty."_

\- the Mortal Kombat guy

 _"Going going hikari e. Going going shinjite."_

\- Kumi Koda

* * *

The Omega Weapon had something O-mazing in store for the three ferocious heroines. With Paine slashing away at ancient rune-covered stone armor, Yuna mixing bullets with J-Pop beats, and Rikku using on her gadgetry to steal the machine's logic core, the girls thought they almost had the battle won. What they failed to notice was Omega Weapon almost had his Limit Break meter filled.

His objective: To break _them_.

The mechanical beast roared. His body resonated with bright red lightning as he activated Response Protocol X: Format Princess. This battle could have ended differently if someone on Yuna's team had thought to bring equipment that protected against INT-draining attacks, but today their heads were clear of interference and victory belonged to the Omega Weapon.

A set of three matching black iron crowns attached to power couplings flew out of Omega's torso compartment. One covered Paine's eyes and locked around her head, causing her to freeze mid-action and drop her sword. Another managed to slip over Yuna's flared bob cut and nab her skull while she was upside-down in the air in the middle of a front flip. She made a perfect landing with her thighs tucked together and her arms relaxed at her sides, but she never moved after that. Rikku was caught in the unfortunate position of crawling over Omega Weapon's shoulder with her arms down and her hips sticking up in the air when her crown plunked over her head. She was feeling around inside a pried open armor panel and almost had her hands on the Omega Weapon's neural hub when he suddenly wrapped his cold mechanical fingers around hers.

With their eyes and the tops of their heads engulfed under ominous black domes, the Gullwings only had time to utter a single "Huh?" in unison. The helms came online and initiated a program that made sure they thoroughly waxed their legs, arms, bikini lines, and brains. It was guaranteed to be their shocking finale concert.

Three angelic voices screamed as electricity sizzled. Their bodies convulsed in wild rhythm with the currents surging through their heads. Between Rikku's barely existent string bathing suit top that gave the impression she was trying to smuggle melons in banana peels, and the outlines of Yuna's creamy back cheeks peeking out below the hem of her denim shorts, the experience was a real test of YRP's jiggle physics.

While the girls' central nervous systems were busy getting re-centralized, Omega Weapon urgently scanned each of their biometrics into its databanks. He saw through their whimsical Dresspheres and thought of them only as brains housed inside organic vessels. They were identified less by their faces (accessory details that only complicated things) and more by their three anatomical measurements combined with a randomly generated symbol taken from Old Yevon scripture. Yuna, sassiest gunslinger on this side of Spira and famous spelldancer fashionista, was categorized as 82B.65.87 vu. Rikku, the spunky Al Bhed tech wizard and expert treasure rogue, became 86C.63.85 fa. Paine, the other one, became 91DD.70.88 pruti.

The shrieking intensified with the wattage. Pulverizing electrical pulses configured the Gullwing's minds to work together as a single unit and designated each one with a specific role matching her dominant traits. Paine, the muscle; Yuna, the talker; and Rikku, the gearhead. Although technically they were all being turned into gearheads.

The screams stopped, and the crowns flew back into Omega Weapon's torso without any further fanfare. As soon as she was free to move, Paine picked her sword up and coldly examined it. Yuna ran her fingers over her ears the fluff out her slightly disheveled hair. Rikku hopped down from Omega Weapon's shoulder and fixed her thong strings as discreetly as she could.

The Gullwings looked around slowly and blankly as ancient dusty Machina programming crept through their sore brain cells. Their obliterated memories and fragmented thoughts gave way to a new overwhelming instinct the Omega Weapon had installed on their minds. Yuna's team had been hotwired into living defense sentries that could only think of following one directive. It was a simple task that focused on the protecting the planet from those who wished to harm it.

"Destroy Leblanc," Paine murmured soullessly.

"Make the Syndicate pay," Yuna said with a demented smirk on her lips.

"Cleanse the defilers," Rikku chirped in mischief.

Omega Weapon's red eyes pulsed with confirmation. The three Gullwings turned their backs toward Omega and walked away from the battlefield like robotic zombies desperate to be oiled with blood.

* * *

 _Author's note: I wanted to do a cute spin on the whole "They get turned into Leblanc's slapstick goons" motif, so I did._


End file.
